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Juggling my kids, their alcoholics, and my own drinking

Anonymous Alcoholism Big Book says she should stay. It says it’s important to use. Another alcoholic fellowship is very important, he says. Still, I wish she hadn’t confessed. In front of the kids eating spaghetti, she was eating all the words, so I wish she hadn’t told me on the kitchen island, but I knew they would ask me the morning question Saved, What are you drinking What is sober? Why is it so fluffy?

They don’t know what it is to bloat. They do not understand edema or addiction. They have never seen me drink alcohol. I have to explain it to them. This, this alcoholism, may still be metastasized within them when they are lying in bed and talking back and forth, as they share my blood. I have to explain at least some of it to them in the morning.

Someday they will want to know all of it. How did you stop drinking? How I hit when alcohol and dope leached out of my system. How was I dry? For years, I was dry like a desert, like winter air, like a mountain of ashes. I’m angry. Wrinkled. I’m thirsty. In that first year, I need to worry about how to take a shower, how to clean the toilet, how to cook spaghetti, how to wash dishes, how to make a bed, why you make your bed I was trapped in a half-baked house where I learned how to do it. And AA meetings are every day. Every day for 3 years. I almost remembered the big book — a passage of acceptance, a prayer of tranquility, How to use, Procedures and traditions. I hardly remember it now.

I’ve been calm for 18 years, but for a long time I’m no longer thinking about drinking or even narcotics. Anyway, it’s not. Not often. Absolutely not every day. But sometimes, when someone orders a tonic for red wine, beer, or vodka, they may go out for dinner with a friend.

vodka. I’d like 7 vodka tonics. I want to slip into a bottle of vodka, take a bath, sloppy, and only at night, for a short while.

That’s how I know my addiction is still there, still lurking, and still hungry. Eighteen years later, it’s probably greedy, but not hungry. Starvation is what you die and you can’t kill addiction. You cannot remove or eradicate it. You have to contain it. Dam it. barricade. Still, I whisper. Through the embankment you built, it roars. It repels the desire of Morse code. Every day you become a kind of deaf person, a level of paralysis. That is my job. It’s a way for you to move from drunk to dry, drunk, and sober.You will never However Human.You are always Sober Human — person Almost, But not perfect.

My babysitter is sober for 9 days. When she tells me, she tells me how proud she is. I gave her my children overnight. When I go downstairs, they will be in bed thinking of sleeping or falling asleep. She and I talk. Tell her what it was like today, what happened, and what it was like. I tell her half the truth — even. With nine days of calm, she tells us what it’s like to her today. I believe in half of what she says — not even.

Juggling my kids, their alcoholics, and my own drinking

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