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Manhood, from the inside out — part 15 — Alone Again (Naturally) – Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 2021-06-20 12:43:34 –

Polar Sophia Shonauer, LCSW, continues to make continuous memoirs. If you haven’t read the first half of this series yet, take a look at the bottom of this page.

Make me doubt and talk about God’s mercy.Oh, if he really exists
Why did he abandon me?When I’m in trouble, I really
Naturally, alone again.
— Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972

“Loneliness is the first thing we have named God’s eyes are bad,” said John Milton. He described this as a reaction to Genesis 2:18. I will make him a helper as his partner. “NRSV.

It is especially important to understand that the observation of God here takes place before the fall that Milton eloquently speaks in the epic “Paradise Lost.” Therefore, before the first sin, it is sometimes said to be “bad.” A dual understanding of good and evil may find that there is a sense of isolation and abandoned temperament before the first sin, and that everything “bad” must be evil.

For those who believe in God’s absolute perfection, loneliness appears to be a weakness and a rooted need for human beings created in the image of God. And if God’s reflection is made lonely, it is not unreasonable. See God knowing loneliness and understanding it as “bad.” Gods who are completely immersed forever are distinguished, and by their perfection they are completely alone, not ideal, and only plausible as an abstract contemplation.

The peculiarity of God’s spirit moving (fluttering or hovering) deep in Genesis 1: 2 means deep isolation in a shapeless, empty, dark space. It is plausible that God, who knows loneliness, creates a world of people seeking a relationship with God, and thus a mutual relationship in which people go back and forth and solve the problem of loneliness. But when people reject God’s presence, they depart from God’s divine purpose.

POLA Sophia (provided)

According to CS Lewis, loneliness is an element of hell. In his book, The Great Divorce, Hell is a vast city called Greytown, with millions of homes, aging and collapsing, and dark rain. The people of hell are wandering deep in the city, far from each other, and in their selfishness and misery, until they are completely alone and have nothing, even humanity.

To the human psyche, loneliness is traumatic with potentially catastrophic consequences, which is why solitary confinement is perceived as a cruel and extraordinary punishment. People who have been quarantined often experience cognitive decline. They lose the ability to recognize human faces, have no sense of direction, and have difficulty determining spatial relationships. All of these show how loneliness and isolation affect brain function. In addition, isolation affects social and family relationships and impairs the ability of people to connect through meaningful involvement.

Loneliness contributes to the development of mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and in some cases psychiatric symptoms. Lack of social ties can also affect the development of illnesses, often manifested as obesity, substance abuse, and premature death.

Shame has a profound effect on people’s feelings of loneliness and forces them to withdraw from social involvement. People who are very shy should limit contact as much as possible if they want to disappear from public or if they cannot completely refrain from interacting with humans. They often lack social skills and have low self-esteem. They are people who are alone in the crowd.

To be ashamed, people must feel beyond social norms, desirable binding norms, and norms that allow access to approval and acceptance. Shame is often brought about by the presence of disapproved people, parents or teachers, critical peers, and strict social structures such as those encountered in religious communities, social groups, subcultures, and professional groups. I will. We don’t have to have a disapproved person in our lives to feel shame, we just imagine someone’s judgment. Often we have a chorus of voices telling us what is considered worthy of approval and what is considered prohibited.

Shame is deeper than guilt. Guilt is tied to behavior, but shame is tied to a person’s presence. Guilt basically tells us that we have done something wrong, but shame tells us that we are wrong. That is an important difference. A guilty person can more easily compensate for the wrongdoing by paying a fine, providing time, or participating in a repair process that removes the burden of debt. However, shame has a profound effect on a person’s core identity, hindering the process of forgiveness, forgiveness, and recovery. Those suffering from embarrassment may move themselves away from the community, force their own quarantine, and put themselves in hell.

By the third year at the Redeemer Christian School, I felt embarrassed deep in my existence. I was ashamed of myself as someone who was sexually assaulted by another boy, unaware of the difference between consent and power. I was embarrassed to be a girl and I was convinced that I was wrong no matter what I did, but somehow I wanted to be forgiven, forgiven, and recovered by faith.

My family didn’t have much faith-related things in the house. Aside from the little statue of Jesus of Mama and the portrait of her Arian Christ, the only other thing was the vinyl album of Daddy’s Jesus Christ Superstar. I heard it over and over and realized that I equated it with his struggle to love Judas and Jesus, who was overwhelmed by his suicide. I also laugh at the crucifixion scene, the muttering behind Jesus’ plea for relief, and when he shouts, “My God, my God, why did you forget me!” I was plagued by despair.

My hopes of being left behind and worthless were Jesus, his serious suffering, his descent to hell, and his ascension to heaven. In basic Christian doctrine, my hope can be seen as a shift to grace, but I wanted to be more identified, unblamed, innocent, and perfect by the man of Jesus. .. His suffering became a symbol of my own suffering, and I was comforted by the crucifixion.

I didn’t have a cross, a cross, or a jewel in my house, so I decided to make one myself. I found two boards and nailed them to make my own cross. For the figure of Jesus, I used the action figure of the collection of Jonnie West dolls that was given to the birthday present of the previous year. Jonnie West was like GI Joe in basic shape and size, but with an old waist theme. I had a Jonnie West doll, Sam the Renegade, and Geronimo. The Geronimo doll had a nicely shaved face, but his long hair and white buffalo skin made me feel his sacredness. I took a 12-inch doll and nailed it to the cross, tacked it in my hand, nailed it in my leg, and tied my waist with a thick rubber band to prevent it from falling off the cross.

I lay the cross together, lean against the wall, and see Geronimo’s stoic face staring at me all night, watching over me, protecting me from evil, nightmares, and the shadows creeping on the bedroom door. I was able to. For some reason, I knew that Jesus understood the pain of loneliness, so the cross helped me feel lonely.

This post is the latest in a series of memoirs Paula Sofia wrote about her life.I’m honored she chose Free Press as her platform.. The link below is a link to the previous part of the memoir.

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Last updated: June 20, 2021 11:43 am Brett Dickerson – Editor

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