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My quest for sadness-The New York Times

I live with a disease that doctors call me a time bomb, and even with this understanding, I like most of my life. “It’s like the best mental health disorder you can probably have!” Pointed out my friend Joan. She wasn’t wrong.

However, feeling sad is not always a good thing. I often substitute anger and anger where sadness may help me.

After my mother died of cancer in 2018, I was explosively angry at the obituary posted by the funeral director, leaving him an abusive voicemail message until I sobbed. To calm me, my husband rubbed my back and said, “It’s okay, Joss. You’re really fine.” “No, I’m not,” I spit back. “I’m doing terrible things.” He paused and said, “That’s true. You’re doing terrible things. You’re really. Just terrible.”

With my mother’s death, I wondered for the first time something was wrong. I started googled phrases like “Is it possible to confuse my emotions?” “Are there any people who don’t feel sad?”

That’s when I happened to the terminology Alexithymia — Or emotional blindness. According to some researchers, alexithymia is similar to color blindness in that a person cannot register or recognize some or all of his emotions. Alexithymia is often associated with people with more extreme neurological differences, such as part of the autism spectrum or psychopathic range.

However, recent studies have shown that some people who can experience empathy and “normal” interpersonal relationships may exhibit emotional shallowness, or even emotional deficiency. Dr. Richard Lane, Department of Psychiatry, University of Arizona, has been one of the leading researchers in emotional confusion and apathy for over 20 years. Dr. Lane is thinking about feelings like a crayon box. “The number of crayons in the box varies from person to person, and the colors vary,” he suggests.In the case of an emotional disorder, he says that does not mean that the person is not feel Emotions are struggling for the brain to interpret them.

I took the Toronto Alexithymia Scale Test for analysis by Dr. Lane. “Most of your answers are non-Alexithymia,” he told me. But then he pointed out that the three questions were about sadness. In all three scenarios, he found out that I mentioned anger but not sadness. “It not only helped you not feel it, but also helped to make sure you probably didn’t have a strong mental expression of it.” He added after pausing. “You have this interesting and isolated lack of sorrow.”

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