I remarried a compassionate and compassionate person two years ago. He moved to my house with my two children (currently out of college). When he arrived, he subtly informed me that he was not expecting to pay the household expenses. I have a part-time job and have family money, but I still have a budget. I was willing to pay all the costs until the pandemic occurred. Now that I have lost my job and my investment has been hit, my finances are tight. I’ve covered my situation several times, but my husband says it’s tough for me too. (Our income is about the same.) I can’t help feeling hurt and resentful. He knows this, but he doesn’t do anything. Any advice?
It is not well understood. Unless you omit important details-for example, your husband does all the cooking and cleaning or does most of the emotional labor in your relationship-whoever you describe as “compassionate and compassionate” Sounds like a free loader. It’s time for you to take it up a notch.
When we live with other people (even though we rarely get married), there is no room for subtleties about household expenses. You have to pay the bill! But it doesn’t sound like you asked your husband directly. Stop hinting and tell him what you think will be a fair split of expenses. Then listen to his response.
Now you can see if he is reluctant to split all the bills in half. We have set up the infrastructure for two children. He is not responsible for them. But there is no good argument that he pays nothing for housing, food and maintenance. Honest conversations need to stop this gravy train, or at least clarify what your husband is thinking. You will never solve this problem without knowing it.
Do I have the right to know?
I recently made an appointment with a new dental office. While I was on the phone, I asked the receptionist if the dentist and hygienist were still vaccinated against Covid-19. She said she couldn’t answer my question. It was personal information. But I think it makes sense to ask. I’m not sure if it’s comfortable for workers (in close contact with me) to go to an unvaccinated clinic. Thoughts?
I agree with you — although we are not entirely rational. We are still waiting for clinical studies to show whether vaccinated people can spread the virus to others. Therefore, dentists should wear a mask and gloves at the time of booking, whether or not they are vaccinated. (You can certainly call back to check the safety protocol at the clinic.)
Still, from vaccination when we open our mouths and sit in front of them after healthcare professionals and dental professionals have been prioritized (of course) as the first inoculators of the Covid vaccine. Sharing the peace of mind that comes with it seems fair.
Now I’m not a medical ethicist. And we look forward to hearing more privacy discussions in the coming months. As an anecdote, I felt very safe with the safety measures established by my healthcare provider. However, if you are uncertain, cancel your appointment and look for a future dentist. Even better, unless your procedure is urgent, wait until you get vaccinated to reschedule.
Connect the family names with hyphens. I got lost without seeing the hyphen, Jane Doe-Deer, between my name and my husband’s name. What is the etiquette for responding to invitations to my husband and me? Is it Mr. and Mrs. John Deere? Or is it John Doe-Deer and his wife? (My husband doesn’t hyphenate his name.)
Think of etiquette as a set of rules that help us make each other better. For me, it’s bad manners to call a name I don’t like. Failure to do so can hurt others. For example, just because your grandparents did, I don’t mean to exclude your name from invitations to you and your husband. You are not wrapped in him!
I also don’t use “Mrs.” Men are not identified by address as married or unmarried. Why should you? Now consider the non-binary people. Why disregard them with the wrong titles? So this is how to deal with the invitation to you and your husband: “John Deere and Jane Deere”. What do you think?
I live in a condominium where many residents can see my comings and goings directly. They can see when I’m at home by looking out their window to check my reserved parking lot. When I’m away, they often ask (in text) to rent my place for their visitors. Or they want to know where I am. Or why am I absent during a pandemic? I think this is a hassle. I’m happy to chat with my neighbors easily, but I like privacy. What do you say
A series of quick denials should fix this issue in short order. If your neighbor asks you to rent your parking lot, say “it wouldn’t be convenient”. When they ask where you are, they say, “I take care of some personal business.”
Even the most permanent of them will eventually be disappointing. And rather than trying to explain the boundaries of a question that is accepted by a tenacious neighbor, it’s probably more helpful to you.
If you need help with a difficult situation, SocialQ@nytimes.com, Facebook Philip Galanes, or @SocialQPhilip On Twitter.
Until 2020, I was okay to be a earner
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