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Using Farts to Communicate | Hawaii Reporter – Honolulu, Hawaii

Honolulu, Hawaii 2021-02-23 01:52:31 –

Preliminary results of flatulence study in the United States

Most people know about beans and their flatulence, or the production of flatulence. This is called “toot” in old familiar poems.

Beans, beans, magical fruits,

The more you eat, the more you talk.

The more toots, the better you feel.

So eat your beans every meal.

According to Dr. Stanley Otur (typically the director of the National Institute of Flatulence (NFRI)), what most people are unaware of is that the poem triggered a revolutionary discovery in the field of communication. is.

“One Saturday night I was eating Frank and beans with my kids. I think it was Saturday because I only have kids on Saturday. My youngest Mikey always said” Beans “before eating beans. , Beans, magical fruits, “but this time it hit me more than just a poem,” Otur recalls at a press conference at Zoom. Preliminary results of their groundbreaking American flatulence study.

NFRI has received a $ 10 million contract from the Department of Defense (DoD) to study flatulence use in military applications. Scientists already know that flatulence has been a form of communication used with oral speech since the days of the cave people. Communication includes not only voice and body language, but also sounds and odors from the “colon wind”.

The questions investigated by NFRI are whether this “wind” can be used for communication, how much people can use it to communicate using flatulence in normal life, and this form of communication. Was more properly accessible and usable in a variety of environments, including the military. application.

However, while flatulent researchers can convey much through the anus, the art and science of interpreting flatulence signaling is still in its infancy. There is an urgent need to further investigate the ability to consciously use anal flatulence management, signal-related flatulence odors, and flatulence signals to, for example, secretly tell someone that they are ready to leave the party. There is.

“People can lie in their words all day long, but flatulence doesn’t lie,” O’Toole explained. “The secret is to reveal the secrets of this” down-under “language. And the good news is that we have found something very important. That is why we announce these preliminary discoveries. “

The military has focused on exploring the use of flatulence as a code. For example, spies can use flatulence signals when they are under audio or video surveillance. Spies can send olfactory and voice flatulence messages via pre-determined codes. And, according to the explosive preliminary results of the study, flatulence certainly functions as an effective communication channel.

“When you really think about it, each flatulence has pitch, duration, and strength, and an olfactory signal. If you know how, you can actually say a lot of flatulence. “O’Toole explained. “Fartulence can range from silent to high frequency squeaks, my personal favorite baritone, tuba-like explosions. And if you put together a series of flatulences temporarily, there’s a layer of olfactory sounds. Create a kind of music message. “

Dr. Karl Stinker, a senior researcher at WHO’s Fecal Research Center, who was not involved in the study, sounded a cautious note. “I think they’re talking from their donkey,” he ejaculated. “Sometimes a flatulence is just a flatulence. There is no reason to dig deeper into the subject.”

However, Dr. Ritapu, a fecal archaeologist and founder of the Ritapu Bottom Research Center, who was not involved in this study, was more supportive. “Some archaeologists and linguists have long theorized that the first form of interpersonal communication is by flatulence signals. How a fart sounds and smells is often Make an exciting point about something. The picture may say a thousand words, but a solid fart gives a lasting impression. Both are better than speech. This study is onara. We hope to continue exploring this important form of communication that is opening up the current academic thinking about. “

Meanwhile, the Pentagon is smiling at the initial results from the study. Commander Uri Davangowitz, director of Operation Onara, said it was time for the US military to use this new low-tech communication method, especially given the ease of hacking computer systems. “We are too dependent on computers. EMP can knock out the entire electronic world. We will lose the internet. We may not be able to speak or may be afraid to speak. Maybe, but we will still have the ability to flatulence. A simple “SOS” flatulent with Morse code can save lives. “

But Dr. O’Toole is cautious. “We still have some challenges, especially the pressure we feel from above. At first we were blown away. But now that we have announced the discovery of early flatulence, we deny Theorists are stunned. This is a basic form of interpersonal communication that has always been under the nose of scientists but has been ignored. The Pentagon and some of the parliament want to pursue more flatulence research. I think, but you really can’t rush this kind of thing. “

(Author’s Note: This is a satire. I hope I didn’t have to tell you. We all need to laugh more.)

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Using Farts to Communicate | Hawaii Reporter
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